Will I always do the right thing?

I have always believed in myself, that I will choose to do the morally right thing when I have a choice. But of course, I am only human!

I suppose all of us learn more about oneselves from certain situations in life. Our mind realizes some of the qualities that we have developed but weren't completely aware of. One such situation in my life was in Chennai during Sep 2002. I was in Chennai for my UK student visa. It was the time when the only UK Consulate for the southern states of India was in Chennai. I believe there are extension counters in different cities now. Anyway, if I arrived into Chennai by train on wednesday, the 4th of September 2006. I stayed in a hotel which was a short auto ride from the UK consulate. That evening I took an autorickshaw to the consulate, just to know where it was so that I can make an early start the next day. All seemed fine and I don't remember seeing many people around the consulate, possibly a few people standing around. I went back to the hotel and had dinner. All the while, I was remembering my previous painful visit to chennai when all my future plans were squashed by a ruthless Consul who denied me a visa to the US (I now feel that it was actually for my own benefit :) ).

I started early on thursday and reached the consulate by auto. I was shocked! The whole population of chennai seemed to be standing (in a queue) outside one small house, which was the UK consulate. Damn, I was late. Humbly, I joined the end of the queue, quietly looking around and hearing my neighbours who seemed to be from Bangalore, my home town. I heard that some people ahead had been maintaining a list, an unofficial one, sort of a queue management system. Meanwhile, more people were joining the queue behind me. It was becoming uncomfortably evident that none of us, so far behind in the queue, would make it inside the consulate that day. Word spread that the consulate takes in 200 people a day for interviews. I don't know if that number of right but clearly there were more than 200 people ahead of me in the queue. I requested my neighbour to reserve my position in the queue while I was away to get my name entered in that unofficial list - just to make sure I could get a chance the next day. Otherwise, I would have to wait until the next week, which meant going back to Bangalore and then coming again. I had 2 weeks to go before I had to travel to London for the induction day. Looking at the queue, I was not comfortable about getting a visa in time.

I asked around and somebody pointed me to a girl, whom I found to be bold and confident, sitting on the pavement and writing something on a sheet of paper. Many people were around her, asking her some questions. Her answers seemed to be reassuring them. I requested her to have my name in that list she was maintaining. She said that the list was already long enough for the day and had entries for people who were way behind in the queue than herself. It was clear to me that I wouldn't get an interview that day. But I wanted to make sure that I could get into the embassy on friday at least. She suggested that some of us maintain another list. Somebody had to volutneer. I asked for the last position noted down in that peice of paper. There were many people between myself and that last position. More than 200? Maybe not but somewhere close. I didn't even know if 200 was the actual figure for the number of applications accepted per day. 100 seemed logically acceptable. I didn't know my queue position for the next day. I only knew that I wanted to get in.

There were some other people who had some initiative to start a list for friday. None seemed as confident as her. I wanted to take some initiative, I spoke with other people around I felt that there was support for the list. The guys from Bangalore ahead of me in the queue were part of these interested people. There was also another girl who was equally interested in seeing such a list. I suggested to help maintain such a list. Soon, I realized that I would be the one leading, not just helping - something that I didn't ask for to be honest. We started with the list. We wrote down everyone's passport number and name against a position number. There were people unhappy about the idea. Some said that they had a bad experience while waiting for the thursday queue while some others mentioned that anything unofficial is of no use. I told them that it would be ok, that it would work out and that such a list is to their own benefit as they won't have to wait in the queue throughout the night for the next day. They can retire for brief periods for food, loo, sleep, etc. But we all made it clear that the list only gives them opportunity to retire for brief periods without worrying about loosing their position in the queue. I don't know what made me so confident. Was it because I thought that the idea was good and workable? Was I not thinking about different constraints that existed for that list? The main constraint being the unpredictable human behavior? Was I naive? But then, we had no other choice.

The list had around 240 entires. My position was around 140. I was uncomfortable with that position. If this is how I felt, one can imagine the feeling that somebody at position 200 would have. Will they still want to be part of the queue system? Will they not try to jeopardize it? Its something that I didn't think about at that time. Of course, I lacked experience. The consulate would do nothing about it. They said it was not their problem. Anyway, it was noon. We asked everybody to get back at around 4 pm. We had planned to go over the list. It was pure instinct that made me do this. We felt the need to express our control over the queue. We felt the need to show how it will work out the next day.

It was obvious to me that I needed to spend the night on the streets with so many strangers. I was ready to do it. I went to the hotel, checked out and got my suitcase to the consulate. We spent the day talking with other people, mostly talking about the queue system and also our plans once in the UK, the visa interview process, etc. Day was passing by and people who were in the queue for that day were slowing coming out of the consulate. When the day ended, we realized that there was a considerable amout of fall-back from thursday's queue and those people were to stay in the queue for the next day. As a result, my queue position for friday slipped down. The inner-me was questioning often whether the queue list was in my best interest, my consciousness refused to let me think more or do anything about it. The right thing to do, morally, was to continue with the list no matter what. But what about other people? Will they stick to the list even though they realize their chances for Friday? I found out at 4 am next morning. Until then, I was sitting on the pavement with my suitcase, getting bitten by musquitoes. The queue-check at 4 pm went ok. Many people were missing and we expressed our unhappiness at them although there was nothing much we could do except tick against their name later on. The girl who was managing the previous list was waiting in the queue for friday as well. She mentioned that there were many people not on the queue who managed to get in on thursday.

The guys from bangalore ahead in the queue suggested sharing a room for a short sleep and to freshen up for the next day. The cost was a fraction of what I spent for the hotel the previous night. The hotel was dodgy, I was worried about my stuff but the couple of hours of sleep that I caught were quite deep. We got back to the consulate at around 4pm to realize that there was some commotion. I was familiar with many people on my list but somehow I felt that there were many people there who were not on the list. They were talking about not accepting the list and storming the queue. The ones who were on the list were loosing faith. Some people started running towards the starting point of the queue and suddenly everybody started running towards the beginning. The guards called for reinforcements. There was a light police control measure (lathi-charge) which pushed everybody into a new badly formed and badly organized queue. The ones in the list were behind, the ones not on the list were ahead and the ones who were not there during the run-to-the-gate, were very upset when they turned up later. When I went for a short sleep, I left the list with the girl who was supporting the idea. The girl said that she "forgot" the list at her aunt's place where she went to freshen up. The police woudn't even care to look at the list. It was also a sensitive issue because the lathi-charge happened in front of the UK consulate. Perhaps they didn't want it to be printed in the papers the next day. Officials higher up in the chain had turned up. Like any other place in India, the police force seem to think that they are next to God and we, the civilians have no value. Anybody approaching to talk to them were spoken to quite badly.

If my position in the queue before was doubtful, now I was convinced that there would be no way I would get an interview. I asked the girl to get the list from her aunt's place. She didn't seem to show much interest. Maybe because she was behind me in the queue and she knew it was of no use to her? Don't know but I definitely remember not pushing her much for it. She might have had it in her bag after all but I didn't care either. I felt that the inner-me had gained more control over my mind, probably like everyone else and all that it wanted to do was somehow, selfishly get ahead in the queue. So ahead, that I would get an interview. I left the new queue and was roaming around to somehow manage to get in. Some people from thursday's queue had still managed to retain their position even after the run. Some people from our list had managed to get ahead in the queue, possibly by using techniques that I was trying. The other bangalore boys were among them. I asked them if I could join with them. They refused saying they didn't want to jeopardize their positions! I asked the guy behind them if he is ok with me standing in the queue ahead of him. Strange question but he said yes. I remembered him, he was in the list, way behind me. I guess he was happy with my intentions and he decided to let me in, possibly as a gratitude to my efforts? Don't know.

Well, at the end, I got in on Friday, I got my visa with ease. Many people were surprised that I got in on Friday. Many people were unhappy that they didn't. I never spoke to those boys from Bangalore again. But I will always remember the experience. My mind will want to do the morally right thing, I have no doubt about that. Its the inner-me that I am not sure about. The selfish human behaviour, which will devise ways, manipulate situations just to make sure that I survive, that I get what I want. Even in this modern era, the basic principle of life - survival of the fittest, gets applied in so many situations in life, we don't even realize. Its this principle that I fear will make all human beings forget the moral stories being taught to them at every step of their life.

I learnt a lot from the experience, a lot about me, a lot about dealing with people and mainly that most people want to be led by somebody. But they will follow the leader if nothing goes against the basic princple of life.